What if you are the problem? Last week’s assignment was to look at how your actions, your behavior, your disposition is impacting others? Have you ever had anyone tell you that you are the problem? Have you ever come to the conclusion that they were right? If not, then you ARE the problem. If you cannot look back and see where you have been the problem, then you are not able to objectively look at a situation and admit that you were in the wrong. I remember a work situation where there was a bunch of work drama going on. We were fairly dysfunctional. My boss pointed out that the one common element was… me! He said to me: You, you are the problem. I was devastated. I also knew he was right.
The ripples from our actions roll out and can have all sorts of implications. Last week’s exercise reminded me of what I reflected on when I read Mitch Albom’s book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven. I won’t reveal too much in case you decide to read the book. I will say that I have thought that come my time of reconning, I am sure that I will face some of the pain, hurt and suffering that my actions have caused. As a result, I try to live a much more positive, supportive life after reading the book. If you stop and think through the unintended consequences your actions may bring about, I would expect you will behave much differently.
This Week’s Talk
We are still at the Cratchits. The family is preparing the Christmas meal together. Each performing some form of task to get the food ready and served. They gather around the dinner table, enjoying the comradery of a loving family unit. It is fairly universally portrayed that the meal was sufficient. Not sumptuous. Not abundant. Not extravagant. Sufficient. In most of the movies, Scrooge comments about the meagerness of the size of the bird and the meal overall. Scrooge lacks the sensitivity to the fact that not everyone can afford extravagance, and in fact don’t live in abundance.
Dickens could have portrayed this scene completely differently. Mrs. Cratchet could have done all the work and everyone else just ate what was served, but he didn’t. Don’t we see here that the shared duty, the joy of putting the meal together as a family added to the richness of the meal. I have relatives that come over for the holidays, do nothing to help and usually don’t even bring anything. Certainly nothing that required personal effort. They show up, they eat, and then leave. They don’t even help clean-up. It is a completely different event than when we all chip in. As I have noted in an earlier lesson, for me, the preparation is as much fun as the trip. Same thing with cooking. Planning a meal, getting groceries and cooking is not just a chore. I appreciate and am grateful that I have the affluence to buy what I want to eat, that I have the skills to cook, that I have a nice kitchen to cook in, and relish that the process of cooking, for me, is an escape. It is one of the ways I absolutely get fully engaged in the present and can forget about work woes and other concerns for a period of time.
This Week’s Assignment
As the Cratchits prepare to eat, Bob tells the family, but really as a compliment to Mrs. Cratchit, there never was such a goose. Then, in many versions of this story, there follows a series of compliments. It is a touching statement. I don’t think Bob was just trying to say, “Nice work, dear. Dinner was tasty”. The whole statement, as simple as it is, carries a sense of love, adoration… and a deep appreciation for all the joy and love that went into the meal. Meals are an opportunity to reunite as a family, as a group, as a society. What a great time to compliment someone for all to hear and be a part of. I noted a couple of weeks ago about how I had a review with my boss and never got a compliment. Maybe to him I didn’t do anything worth complimenting. Reality is a matter of perception so I was left with wondering why he didn’t see everything I was doing? In pondering this, I also thought about it from his perspective and that by the numbers, we were not doing well. People say all the time when they talk about work… It isn’t personal… The reality is that it is personal.
Your mission this week, should you choose to accept it, is to closely observe your interactions. Work in a few versions of your own… “There never was such a goose.” This isn’t just saying “thank you.” This is about thinking about what is important to the person you are interacting with and finding a way to express something deep and personal. This is different than the exercise a couple weeks ago where you try to spread joy and hope. This is about learning how to give a compliment that may resonate with the receiver for years. I remember my boss telling me I was the problem over 20 years ago. I also remember when someone one I really respect told me something very kind.
See you next week.